Tenzakar w ma ten3ad

I still remember when I was younger I used to constantly hear on TV the expression : “Tenzakar w ma ten3ad” and curious as I was (and still am), I asked my dad about it once and he told me : “It’s about the civil war that started in 1975, it was horrible people used to kill each other based on their ID cards, but don’t worry it won’t happen again, see? Tenzakar w ma ten3ad.” And I believed him like I always believe my dad. Well, for the first time I can say that apparently my father was wrong. It’s true, we fight for the ban of sectarianism, some of us walked on the 6th of may during the Laique Pride demonstration, but some of them didn’t. They hid behind their closed doors, bloodthirsty, with this unexplained conveyed rage in them towards, well, someone with a different ID, someone praying for a same God, differently. Last night, they fired, they killed for lies to save their pride, they stained the ground with blood, burned tires (of course). Wait… for what? To break the unbreakable melting pot, Lebanon. Well, guess what, this time we won’t leave, we won’t be kicked out of our own homes, our own country, they will leave. Why? Because I still believe we are not that dumb! Why do we only brag about the 20 minutes distance between the mountain and the sea (work of mother nature) and not talk for instance about the hour we spend each morning next to the Jal el Dib bridge that was taken down only after the Ashrafieh building collapsed so that the government could save its ass? Why don’t we ALL demonstrate to fight against homophobia? Against sexism? Against racism? Against sectarianism? Against the constant rise of prices? Why don’t we scream for the rights of immigrants? For the rights of women? Of animals? Of life? I think and will always think that we should go to war. Yes, we should go to war to fight our own inner battles. We’ve all faced and are all constantly facing turmoil and inner struggles in order to conform to the world we’re living in or even to just build our own identities and to, in a way promote the growth of “The Self”, to be raw, to find oneness. Because, we demand peace and we scream in millions: “Tenzakar w ma ten3ad!” SN

My 6939th Night

Tonight, I sit by the river of the Incomplete, a lot has slipped away and I can feel from the center of my bones to the crown of my head that a lot, yes a lot is yet to come, that my finest day is yet unknown. This isn’t happiness I dare and say. Not because I am unquenchable or insatiable, but because I know and was taught that true happiness comes from a fairly long process that consists mainly from being content with who and what you are, from understanding the value of time and learning not to waste away this precious gift, and from love. Yes love, LOVE. You may think it is cliché, you may think I am talking about this stupid commercial love that suddenly blooms around in February but NO. I’m talking about the true love of the self, the greatest love of ALL! And this love comes only through achievement (Humata, Hukhta, Huvarshta /Good Thoughts, Good Words, Good Deeds – Zoroastrianism).
Tonight, I stand at the dawn of my 6940th day on this earth where I’ve ran, tripped, walked, fell, countless times. I stand in front of this open life and ask myself: “If my life were a book and I were the author, how would I want the story to go?” Well… I wish to give the best of me every single day, to taste the bitter in order to have a glimpse of the sweet, to run with bleeding knees, to race with destiny, to feel eternity. Wait, I don’t “wish”, I will.
Tonight, I fly because I am so blessed to have you. Yes you. All of you. The one that raised me up and the rare ones that pulled me down. You made me think and question so much and through you I had to learn what I’ve got, what I’m not and most of all who I am. Yes who I am, I quote Osho: "There is no greater ecstasy than to know who you are." And damn he is right!

I thank you, And as I breathe, I hope…
As I hope, I live…
As I live, I dream…
As I dream, I wake up to strive and make them dreams come true…
And last but not least, I wish…

SN

I didn’t know my own strength, till...

I still remember it like it was yesterday… It was exactly around this time in February three years ago, I was back in school during Miss Morrison’s English class and we were given an assignment: Share a song you like or dislike with the class and explain why. All the class got so excited at the idea of music being brought to class but I wasn’t that thrilled because I knew that the presentation and explanation of the song I was planning on sharing wasn’t going to be an easy task, far from that, it was going to require from me a quest into my deepest insides, a real extensive surgery on my soul…

So, what song did I chose to pick? A day before, I was watching some Youtube videos and I fell on one where Whitney Houston was performing I Didn't Know My Own Strength live at AMA.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0BgeUfgyy-U (am not going to share the lyrics here for you to please watch the entire video before reading the rest of this note, or else you won't get what I mean).

A waterfall started streaming down my face… This lady had touched a spot on my heart I didn’t even know existed within me: Pure, raw, wild, untamable strength. I had just witnessed a woman rising up from ashes, a woman bringing painful and public honesty about her personal struggles, admitting her addictions and flaws, releasing herself from a somewhat abusive relationship, taking it one day at a time, wanting to start over, to live again. She came to a point in her life where she had to ask herself: If my life were a book and I were the author, How would I want the story to go? She was gaining back control of her life. She was owning her life back again. She was blossoming into the master of her own self…

I still remember this day I came to class and with tears streaming down my face I explained how I related to Whitney and especially to this song and how it had given me hope to fight my own inner demons rotting my soul, my dreams, my future, my whole life. I still recall this state of inner peace that took over me that day and how close I felt to Whitney and how grateful I was for this seed of hope that she planted so beautifully inside of me…

Thank you for singing about the greatest love of all which is found within,
Thank you for the art you shared,
Thank you for sharing your battles, your struggles, the good and the bad,
Thank you for your unbreakable faith,
Thank you for taking a second chance,
Thank you for being yourself,
Thank you for the love.

You left us, you joined him, the one you always looked up to:
“Take me far away from the battle
I need you
Shine on me!
I look to you,
After all my strength is gone
In you I can be strong
I look to you,
And when melodies are gone
In you I hear a song
I look to you.” - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Pze_mdbOK8&ob=av3e

The universe and you are one.
You will be missed, I am forever grateful, you made a difference.

SN

Mon Pays

Face à la tragédie à laquelle a fait face la ville d’Ashrafieh dimanche dernier je suis restée bouche bée, incapable d’exprimer, incapable de dénoncer l’horreur de cette calamité qui aurait bien pu être évitée… Oui, cette catastrophe aurait très bien pu être évitée si nos chers politiciens n’étaient pas des bandits aveuglés par leur soif d’argent, esclaves de leur faim de pouvoir, une bande d’ignorants incapables de poser la question du savoir et de l’éducation sur la fameuse « Tawilat al hiwar » afin d’édifier un pays stable doté d’un peuple capable de discerner le bon du mauvais et donc capable d’élire un Etat digne de lui-même, un Etat là pour le servir, pour le protéger, et non pour l’enterrer sous des piles de béton, et non pour l’affamer, et non pour le voler, et non pour lui faucher la vie sur les routes, et non pour le priver d’électricité, et non pour lui ronger sa santé, et non... Mais non, la question n’est pas là, je divague, je parle beaucoup trop, diarrhée verbale ? NON ! Assassinats de 2005-2006, occupation du centre ville, guerre de l’été 2006, bagarres de cours de récré en direct sur les plateaux télé, censure, oppression de droits, crise de salaires, chômage, coupures d’électricité, et maintenant chute d’immeubles et infrastructures délabrées, TOUT rentre dans le même sac, c’est toujours la même chanson qui roule en boucle et en boucle dans une mare de sang satinée d’argent et de vices… Et là, je n’ai reculé que jusqu'à 2005 pour ne pas voyager jusqu’à 75 et encore bien plus loin…

Ce poème, je l’ai rédigé lorsque j’avais 15 ans et je trouve qu’il illustre parfaitement la situation, je veux dire l’effondrement de mon pays aujourd’hui.
Ce poème, je l’ai rédigé lorsque j’avais 15 ans, alors que je rêvais d’être politicienne dans mon pays pour changer les choses, mais non ceci n’est plus de mes ambitions. Aujourd'hui, j’ai bientôt 19 ans et je dis non parce que sincèrement ce cirque me donne la nausée, me lasse, me dégoute, me répugne… Aujourd’hui, je dis non à mon pays, je refuse de te changer à travers le manège politique. Je te dis oui, je vais te changer à travers mon art. Je te dis oui, je vais te changer en donnant vie à mes idées. Je te dis oui, je vais tout faire pour t’aider à te relever mais pas au prix de mon avenir, pas au prix de ma vie parce que Pays, tu me fais tellement chier ! Yalla, ched 7alak, el cha3eb yourid ennak t2oum ba2a !

SN - 2012


Mon Pays

Du sang gicle dans les veines des montagnes
Le ciel gris arrose de ses larmes sucrées
Arbres portant sur leurs branches martyrs, blessés
La lune se fait cent fois, la nuit noire règne.

Familles déchirées, séparées, brisées
Mer pleure le défunt, l’un de ses fils
Désespérée écume les rochers
Vent désarmé, meurt sur le sable lisse.

Pays terrassé,pays mutilé
Pays humilié, pays indigné
Pays terrorisé, pays vidé
Pays blessé, peuple déraciné.

SN - 2008





*Photo par Yara Elle Khawam

Sometimes, I would like to sail far away out of my head… But tonight, that is out of the question…
Tonight, standing at the dawn of 2012, I like to thing I am a blank slate, a “tabula rasa”… Standing on the edge of a mirrored pool, I see nothing, not a mere wrinkle on the water’s surface, I know the image is under construction, I know I have 366 days till Tuesday, January 1st, 2013 not to try and make things right, but to try and make things bolder, strained with a strokes of fire and gold, and even more gigantical!
Tonight, it doesn’t interest me what is your name, how old you are, where do you come from, who or what do you pray for or what you do for a living. I don’t care who you are. I just wish for your soul to…


1- I wish you to break the wall of illusions infecting you with a cloud of lies and pain, preventing you from seeing the truth that will or will not make you happy, but that will surely deliberate you.


2- I wish you to meet someone you can pour out your soul into and that will pour his/her soul into you in return. Someone who can share your silence, someone who can read your deepest scars, someone who can feel you vibrating so deep in his/her soul it hurts.

3- I wish you to find yourself, because the fountain of unconditional love is found inside each and every one of us. Let it quench your aching need for others’ approval, let it detach you from Mother Otherness and connect you to Mother Nature because no matter who you are, or where you come from, what car you drive or purse you carry you will irrevocably remain implanted in the heart of nature.

4- I wish you to embrace your flaws, color them with good intentions! Learn to understand your flaws, cherish them, make them yours, share them! Don’t see them as weaknesses! Perceiving them that way is a sure road leading to rejection, not only from others but especially from yourself to yourself.

5- I wish you to visit this infinite museum inhabiting your skull. Discover the beauty of your mind, its paradoxes and its games. Master it! Use it! Manipulate your brain into working towards good thoughts, good words and good deeds instead of wasting it manipulating others and getting drawn away with fakery and superficial matters.

6- I wish you to stop swallowing immediately everything our culture spoon-feeds you! Create your OWN culture, we’ve all been granted the power of creation. I think it is high time that we all begin by looking at ourselves, evincing the lies we swim in daily and designing with our own bare thoughts what we really seek from our culture.

7- I wish you to learn to love independently of the other person. I want you to learn to love purely, I want you to turn “Love” into a simple state of being. Doing this is the only way that will lead you to the true essence of love, for love is an energy, a power not to be tied to others but shared.

8- I wish you to open up, to free yourself. Locking the closets of your heart will make the sheets of your soul rot. Open your shell, let the sun rise inside of you, let it rain inside of you, let the thunder rock your walls. Empty yourself; it is the only way for you to become full again.

9- I wish for you to understand that everything is Dual, everything is bipolar, everything comes in opposites but that all of theses paradoxes and conflicts you encounter can be reconciled because at the end of the day, the oneness of the Universe always prevails.

10- I wish you to be proud of your freedom. I wish you to claim it on the top of rooftops! I wish you to live it fully, to feel the grace and love it grants you. I wish you to be free and to let others be free, but most importantly to help the unfreed free themselves.

Finally I wish you to go AGAINST THE STREAM…

SN